Hello, farm family!

I know you’ve been there. You run into a fellow farmer at the hardware store or the local diner. You exchange comments about the weather, tariffs and the family.

Then, you notice that something is off.

It might be something explicit. A catch in his voice. A tear in her eye. A statement: “I don’t think I can keep going like this much longer.”

Farmers First: Look, Listen, LinkIt might be something less tangible. A vague unease you feel. A tone that you haven’t heard before. A missing smile. The dark humor that no longer sounds funny.

You start to worry. Is your farm friend just tired…or depressed? Should you do something? Say something? You’re not a therapist – you don’t even know a therapist! What if you do or say the wrong thing and make it worse?

Today you’ll learn a simple strategy that is used by regular people all over the world to help those in crisis. It’s called psychological first aid (PFA) and it uses three steps: Look, listen and link.

Look – Observe yourself and your farm friend. Always start with yourself. If you’re in crisis, you can’t help someone else. (In that case, get help for yourself before trying to help your friend.)

Ask yourself:

  • Are you both physically safe?
  • Do either of you have ready access to weapons, medications, etc. that could pose a danger to yourselves or others?
  • What kind of emotional reactions are you noticing in yourself or your friend (e.g. crying, shaking, red face, racing heart, etc.)?
  • Is your friend suffering from a lack of basic needs (food, safety, shelter, financial security, etc.)?
  • Are you able to listen to some potentially distressing stuff without becoming distressed yourself?

If there is any physical danger, get safe. Call 911 – now. Don’t wait. Don’t rationalize.

Be prepared: Calling 911 will probably feel uncomfortable or scary. You may wonder if you’re overreacting. You may fear that your friend will never speak to you again.

I have made this call multiple times, and I promise you won’t regret it. Even if the person were to remain angry – which has never been my experience – I’d rather have someone alive and angry than not here at all.

Listen – Provide your friend with a safe, supportive place to feel heard, cared for and valued. Respect your friend’s privacy and confidentiality. Do not share what you hear with anyone except a professional service provider, if necessary.

Practice reflective listening by:

  • Paying respectful attention to your friend’s words and actions to understand their feelings and needs.
  • Restating (reflecting) what the person is saying without adding your own perspective, advice or opinions.
  • Checking to make sure you understand them correctly.
  • Asking if they have something more to add.
  • Thanking them for sharing their thoughts and feelings.
  • Respecting their right to choose what to say and do at all times, including their decision to end the conversation. Never push people to share details they don’t want to share.

What does reflective listening look like?

Your friend: “I just can’t believe I’m going to be the one to lose the farm after four generations.”

You: “I hear that you feel responsible to your family to keep the farm. Is that right?”

Friend: “Yeah. And I’ve let them down.”

You: “It sounds like you’re disappointed in yourself.”

Friend: “What do you think?”

You: “I think this is a very painful situation, and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. Do you have anything else you want to share?”

Friend: “No. I don’t really want to talk anymore.”

You: “Is there anything else that you need?”

Friend: “Is it okay if we just sit for a while?”

You: “Of course.”

Friend: “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

Do not offer platitudes like “Don’t worry,” “It’ll be okay,” “God has a plan” or “It could always be worse.” Phrases like these, no matter how well-meant, minimize your friend’s feelings and experiences, which is exactly what you do not want to do.

If you are tempted to say one of the things above, it’s much better to “listen” by staying silent, present and available. Fishing, sipping coffee on the back porch or running errands together are ways to remind your friend that someone cares and helps them navigate a rough patch.

Link – As you listen, you may notice some of the following signs that your farm friend needs professional support:

  • They admit to experiencing or committing violence (e.g. domestic abuse).
  • They say they don’t want to live or know how they would end their life.
  • They can’t meet basic needs for themselves or their family (food, clothing, mortgage, etc.).
  • You feel like you’re in over your head.

Link (refer) your friend to appropriate resources such as:

  • The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline – Just dial 988. They will even call your friend and provide them with the support they need. I’ve used them. They’re great. You can also remain anonymous if you want.
  • A licensed therapist – Don’t have one you trust? Send them online to Psychology Today or BetterHelp to find one.
  • The local food bank – Access to basic essentials can literally be lifesaving, both physically and emotionally.
  • Social services – These organizations can provide financial resources as well as protection for women and children who are experiencing or at risk of domestic violence.

You’re now familiar with PFA. What’s next? Learn about the services in your area. Stick them on your fridge for easy reference. Consider taking PFA training through the American Red Cross.

Remember: PFA is not a replacement for therapy or other mental health treatments. It is an intervention that helps people stay safer until they can connect with the additional support they might need.

Got questions? Contact me at kcastrataro@pen-light.org or penlightfarmers.com.

It’s your time to grow!